Episode Twenty-nine: From Addiction and Prostitution to Christ: Kelly Clark’s Miraculous Transformation
On Latter-day Miracles, host Haley Hatch Freeman interviews author and addiction advocate Kelly Clark, who shares her journey from childhood anxiety, self-harm, and a family faith crisis into decades of alcoholism and drug addiction. After placing children for adoption, losing custody of other children, and becoming homeless, she supported her heroin and meth use through prostitution in Salt Lake City and became trapped in a violent network, including a kidnapping and beating. In a motel bathroom, she felt her deceased father’s presence, who told her she would go home, help others, and write her story, sparking her to pray for the willingness to change. Later, while newly sober in Denver, she prayed for comfort, and sister missionaries arrived moments later, helping her turn to scripture, faith, and 12-step recovery. Kelly describes radical belief in Christ’s Atonement as key to overcoming shame and rebuilding her life and relationships.
Kelly Clark
Kelly during her dark days of addiction.
Kelly hugging her sisters after going through the temple.
Kelly and her husband, sealed in the temple.
Kelly and her husband are LDS Missionaries at the Addiction Recovery Program.
Kelly’s book sold on Amazon
Transcript
Welcome to Latter-day Miracles, where we share true stories of angels and marvels. Get ready to enjoy accounts from everyday people that remind us of divine love, that we're never truly alone, and the power of faith in these latter days. I'm Haley Hatch Freeman. And I'm Misty Smith. Sit back, open your heart, and prepare to be inspired
[00:00:27] Haley Freeman: Welcome to Latter-day Miracles. Today, I have Kelly Clark. I'm so excited to bring you her story. It's so powerful and inspirational, so I am just so excited to share her story with you. I'll go ahead and read her bio because my beautiful co-host had a family event today, so we're gonna go ahead without her.
Kelly Clark is a published author, speaker, and survivor who knows that through Jesus Christ, even the darkest stories can be rewritten into testimonies of hope, healing, and grace. She is the author of Between Monsters and Mercy, a powerful reflection of her journey from darkness into light. After years lost to addiction, battling drugs and alcohol, homelessness, and the darkness of prostitution, Kelly found her way to redemption through faith, grace, and the Savior, who never gave up on her.
Today, Kelly shares her heart and her story with raw honesty, reminding others that no life is ever too broken for hope.
As an addiction advocate, she works one-on-one with those still in the darkness, walking beside them as they search for a way out. She has been featured on BYUtv,
Come Follow Up, the Leading Saints podcast, and in the church's His Grace video series, where she openly shares her journey from despair to faith, from lost to found. And that is a beautiful video. I'm gonna make sure to put that in the show notes.
[00:01:57] Kelly Clark: Thank you.
[00:01:57] Haley Freeman: And I hope you guys check that out. Through her words, her work, and her witness, Kelly offers a Christ-centered reminder that there is always a way back, and that no one is ever beyond saving.
It's a beautiful message, Kelly. Thank you. Welcome to our podcast. I'm so excited to hear your story.
[00:02:16] Kelly Clark: Oh, I'm excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me.
[00:02:20] Haley Freeman: Yeah, of course. My pleasure. So go ahead and just start from the beginning. Okay. I know your, just your introduction- All right ... has got me crying.
It's so beautiful. I know, it's got
[00:02:28] Kelly Clark: me crying, too. I'm glad I have tissues right here, so. Um, well, thank you. Thank you so much for having me, and, um, I am always so grateful for any opportunity that I get to share a little bit of my story, and most of all, my testimony of Jesus Christ and His atonement, and of the miracles that we've experienced in my family, that I've experienced personally, through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
And so I'm so grateful to be here, and I love, I love sharing. Um, I can start just by telling you a little bit about, growing up and kind of where it all started for me. Um, in the bio, you, you mentioned that I'm a recovering drug addict, and, an alcoholic. And for me, that started really young. Um, I'll give you a little family history and just, you know, not linger too long in it, but I just wanna give you kind of an idea of my, my family life.
[00:03:27] Haley Freeman: Yeah, that'd be great.
[00:03:28] Kelly Clark: Okay. I'm the middle of five kids. My parents were both converts to the church, and they were married, um, in the temple. But , they had joined the church as adults, and, um, raised us in the church outside of Utah. So we moved around a lot, Minnesota and California mostly. And at a very young age, at about seven years old, um, I started really struggling with mental health issues.
And- Back then, they didn't really know what to do about it, and I had major anxiety, but we didn't even really talk about the word anxiety, so I didn't even recognize what it was at the time. But-
[00:04:09] Haley Freeman: Right ... it
[00:04:09] Kelly Clark: came on really strong. And so I started self-injuring really young, and kind of having, like, these major panic attack freak-outs.
And my f- family had no idea what to do with me. And it was a little bit like a sadistic voice sort of popped up and into my head one day and was telling me over and over again, "You're not good enough. You're unlovable." Yeah. "You're unworthy. These other girls..." Like, I'd go to school, and I, I would just be kind of obsessed with this thought that everybody was better than me, and it just really took over my brain, and it shut me down.
And I was, you know, just a normal, kid, and everybody, eh, just couldn't figure out what was going on. And there was some turmoil happening in my house. Um, When I was 13, my father was excommunicated from the church. He, um, he cheated on my mother, and he was excommunicated, and they were divorcing.
And at that point, my mother left the church, um, and my father was not active. So we kind of went from being this very church-centered family to all of a sudden we, you know, the family s- split apart, and, um, and it wasn't... God wasn't really talked about anymore. It was kind of a shift for me as a 13-year-old who was already struggling.
And, and then at 15, my father had a heart attack, and he passed away before he- Yeah ... before he had the opportunity to come back. We read in his journals that he was wanting to make a comeback, but he never, unfortunately, um, in this life, got the opportunity to do that here on Earth. And my mother is, to this day, not, not an active member.
Um, and I had a sister, an older sister, Heather, who was 16 at the time, and she continued going. She was the only one in the family who continued going to church, and, um, sort of centered her life around it. But I, I went wild to say the least. I, I figured out that, uh, at 13 and 14, that drugs and alcohol really, um, helped me cope with that voice in my head that was telling me I wasn't good enough.
My first drinking experience at 14, um, ... the party I was at got busted. I ended up going to a police station. My sister had to come pick me up. Um, at... You know, she was, like, 17. She picked me up from the police station and- I was so sick and vomiting all over myself She had to put me in the tub, and I'm laying in bed and, like, my world is spinning from, from alcohol.
And I remember th- most people think, "Oh, I'll never..." They're going through this and they think, "I'll never drink again." Mm-hmm. And not me, though. My little brain said, "Ooh, I can't wait to do this again." Wow. And I believe it's because the voice in my head was finally quiet. All this other stuff was happening, but I put alcohol in my system and all of a sudden that voice was...
And I... It clicked for me, oh, this shuts the voice up. And- Yeah ... so I was on a roll from 14 through my life. Um, I picked it up and I never graduated high school. Um, I had two children, and placed them both for adoption at birth by the time I was 20, and, um, was married in my 20s, had two daughters in that marriage.
But I, I was a terrible wife. I couldn't stay sober. I was a terrible mother. I, I wanted to be a good mother. I, I mean, honestly, I really wanted to be a good mother. It was my chance to be a mother because I had placed these beautiful babies for adoption, but I could not stay sober for the life of me and- when I was sober, my mental health struggled.
And of course, when I was using, my mental health struggled, but at least I was sort of coping, where if I was sober, going through, like, a sober spell trying to stay sober and trying to be home with kids and be focused, um, my mental health spiraled, and I started cutting in my 20s. Mm. And just, it was just, like, bad cutting where I would need stitches and- Oh
hospitalizations, and I was a wreck. I was a- Yeah ... total... It was sort of a, like a dumpster fire. It was so hard for my family, uh, because I struggled so badly. Like, here I have these two children that of course they're worried about. I'm very chaotic and in crisis, and then using, and I'm hiding a lot of my behavior, so a lot of it they weren't even aware of.
Um, my kids are suffering because of my choices. I was always gone, and my husband would be taking care of my kids, young children who need their mother. Um, or I was hungover, and so they didn't get much of a childhood. When my daughters were 13 and 15, um, I found heroin to add to my- Oh, no
methamphetamine problem. And by the time I was using heroin, it was two months before, I lost my girls. My sister took my girls from me. It was clear it was so out of control. Um, and losing them was- so shocking to my system. It was like this huge grief was happening, big hole, uh, but I couldn't stop using.
I couldn't. Yeah. So the guilt and the shame was... I, it a- it felt at the time insurmountable.
[00:09:49] Haley Freeman: Yeah.
[00:09:50] Kelly Clark: It felt as though, um, I couldn't overcome it, for sure. Um, and so I, when I lost them, then there was no one to wake up for anymore. There was nothing to even try to hold my life together anymore. I left the house I was renting, um, with a backpack, and drove into Salt Lake City, um, with my little minivan and a backpack, and went on the streets full-time, and moved into the hotels.
Taught myself how to put an ad up and figured out literally how to become a prostitute. I Googled it and figured it out so that I could support my drug habit, and that's what I did for, for several years. Um, and that transition was wild, um, because even though I, I had been addicted to drugs for a long time, I'd been in the world.
I'd, I'd seen a lot already, but I was still trying to at least show that I was maintaining a life as a mother. So I, I was not street-savvy. I became street-savvy very quickly. I wasn't really built for that world. I wasn't prepared for it. I don't think anyone really can be. It's a very violent world. It's chaotic.
It is unpredictable. There are people who, uh... Everyone's either prey or a predator, and- Wow ... so you, you go into it with, like, good intentions, or a nice heart, or, you know, trying to buy your drugs, and then you're in the game of prostitution, and you're trying to deal with it's, it, and keep a roof over your head, right?
So k- trying to keep drugs in your system and a roof overhead. And, um, the heroin withdrawal is very frightening, so you're on a ticking time clock constantly. Wow. You're on a, this ticking time clock, 'cause I would go through withdrawal very quickly. My tolerance was building up, and so I had to constantly be moving.
But regardless of all that, um, the darkness I felt... I, I'll go back a little bit and just explain my relationship with God at the time. Um, I was very angry when my dad died, and I was very scared of God. I, I felt like- Because I'd struggled so hard with mental health issues as a little girl, I felt unloved and I felt unlovable.
And I had learned about God in church. I, I got all of my primary years in just until I became a beehive. Um, and I had learned all the truths of the gospel, but .. they never really sunk in for me. Um, and I never really believed I could be forgiven or I, I just didn't get it. I just didn't get it at all, and I had now this m- really messy life already as a, as a young girl, and I thought God was mean.
I was afraid of Him. I thought if He's real, then He is mean, and I don't know how to live up to His expectations for me. I'm watching my sister Heather, who was a couple years older, she went off to BYU and got married in the temple, and it always looked so easy for her. She had it all figured out, and she had this testimony and read the Book of Mormon.
She had it all figured out. And then I am a dumpster fire. I've been a dumpster fire for all these years, and I'm, I'm grieving as a mother. I, uh, in my marriage, I placed a- another child for adoption, so, so now Satan has all this evidence to use against me. He says to the... To me, the things he would say is, "What kind of mother would give three of her children away, Kelly?
You're a terrible person. You, you can't do what other people do. You're not good enough. You're not like them. You couldn't live this life. You can't live a life and, like, get, go to the temple and be married and do that. You're not built for that. You aren't good enough for that, Kelly." And I believed it. I believed that to my core that I was somehow uniquely broken in some unique way, and I had a l- by the time I hit 41, I had been on the streets, worked as a prostitute, lo- my family lost contact with me.
[00:14:33] Haley Freeman: I was just thinking how Satan is so good at lies.
[00:14:38] Kelly Clark: Oh, yes. He... It's, it's as though he, he stripped away, um, everything from me. And in the end, between the, the drug addiction and between all, all that he stole basically, like I had lost all of my dignity.
I had lost my family, my connection with my children. I had lost most of the Holy Ghost. I, I wouldn't say all of it, because obviously that's what, you know... There's moments where it called to me. Um, but I lost my sanity, um, and I lost my safety. In the end, I, I had gotten sort of sucked up into this network of evil people, and I was trapped within that network.
It was very difficult to get out. It was a, it was... I was in it for 18 months, and I, I thought I was going to die there. That- Yeah.
[00:15:44] Haley Freeman: Well, you could have. You could have ...
[00:15:46] Kelly Clark: Very well could have. Um, when preparing for this podcast, I have to tell you, there's a lot of miracles in my story, like true miracles. Sure.
But the one that came to mind to share is the story, um, a- about my father. So I'm gonna share this story that happened, and I'll set the scene a little bit. And I, I don't often share this part of my story. It's in my book. I've, I wrote this part in the book, but for some reason it doesn't come up often, but it felt like this was the right one to share today, so I'm gonna share this.
It's- Okay ... it's angelic. It's an angelic experience. And I think I guess I only share it when it feels really appropriate, and it's such a sacred experience that it doesn't often feel a- the appropriate time to share. But, um, I was in Salt Lake City. I was in a dingy motel. Um, I was emaciated. I'm, I'm an IV drug user using heroin and meth, haven't talked to my family in I don't know how long.
I'm sitting in the tub, um, trying to use, uh, but I've blown out all my veins. And so what I would have to do is sit in the hot water and hope one of my veins would come to the surface, and I would have- Yes ... I spent hours searching my body for a vein to use. This was just the reality of my life, and I was dying.
Yeah. Covered in sores and just dying. I was dying from this disease. And I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden the room, the ba- this dingy bathroom fills with the spirit of my father, who died 25 years earlier And I couldn't see him, but I, I felt him with me all of a sudden. And I mean, the room was filled with his presence, and I hadn't been around him in person for so long, so I recognized his presence.
And I saw him in my mind's eye, and it was as though he was just sitting right on the edge of the tub, like right here with me, and he put his hands on my head. And he said, "You done good, kiddo." And I s- said to... I started crying 'cause I said, "I forgot that you called me kiddo." Mm. And I'm crying and laughing kind of 'cause I'm amazed- Yeah
that Father's here, but I'm also hearing him talk to me in the way he talks to me.
[00:18:27] Haley Freeman: Yeah.
[00:18:27] Kelly Clark: So, "You done good, kiddo." And I said, "No, Dad, I have not done good." I said, "Look at what I've done to my life. I miss my kids, and I miss my family, and I don't know how to go home. I'm too broken. I, I've been doing this for too long.
I don't know how to go home." I just cried to him. And he said, "You are gonna go home. You're not gonna go home quite yet, but you are going to go home." And I knew he meant here on Earth. When I ended up telling this story to my sister a few days later, she and I talked, she thought maybe he was telling me I was gonna go home and finally be out of pain on this side.
But I knew he meant here, and I told her that. And then he said, "You're gonna go, and you're gonna share your story with people, and you're gonna help people. You're gonna write your story."
[00:19:17] Haley Freeman: Wow.
[00:19:18] Kelly Clark: And the reason this is special is because my... I, I wasn't good at much as a kid. I was kinda awkward. I wrote this stupid poem in fifth grade, this limerick that I wrote, and my teacher showed it to my dad at a parent-teacher conference.
And he was like, "You are brilliant. You're gonna be an amazing writer." Aw. And he came home from his next, like, business trip with an electric typewriter. This is how old I am. Oh. And he like... And a sh- and a big stack of paper. He's like, "You get to writing, girl. You're... This is..." And so I would write poems, and I would write stories, and I would write and write and write, and he would just...
And I couldn't wait to show him, and this was kind of our thing. When he died, I buried, I put in the casket all of my writings, and I said, "I'm never writing again." I was so mad.
[00:20:06] Haley Freeman: Oh.
[00:20:07] Kelly Clark: But he... That... So that's why it's so special that he said, "You're gonna write your story, and you're gonna help people." And I was like...
You have to understand how absurd it would've been if anyone seeing me in that condition that I would get sober at this point after all these years of using, how strung out I was, no support from family anymore, no nothing. But he told me. And from that experience- It lit a spark in me. It was like I had this moment with God where I, I was willing to pray, 'cause I, I had known now darkness was real.
Meth-induced paranoia will open you up to the dark side like nothing else. So I knew the darkness and dark entities were real. And then I had this incredible experience with my dad, and I'm like, "He's still alive. And not only that, he's involved in my life. Like, he still loves me and cares about me. Like, he's here trying to help me."
And he was allowed... However the veil works, like, we were allowed to communicate that day. And I knew he wouldn't lie to me Now I started to pray a very specific prayer at that point. I said, "God, I believe my dad. I believe I'm gonna live, but I don't know how to be willing. You're gonna have to give me the willingness to be willing," or whatever's gonna have to happen.
I knew it was gonna have to be extreme because I was so addicted and so confused and so everything. But I'll go through it, but you're gonna have to give-
[00:21:59] Haley Freeman: Give you the strength ...
[00:22:00] Kelly Clark: give me the circumstances even. You do what you have to do to make me willing. I will live through it. And I told Him that, and I meant it, and I would say it often to Him, "Okay, do it.
Do what you have to do." And I felt it coming, and I knew it was gonna be bad. I don't think I knew it was gonna be as bad as it was. And that's when, um, a very traumatic experience happened. One of my dealers thought that I robbed him. I did not rob him, but someone set it up to make it look like I robbed him, so I was held against my will and kidnapped and beaten for about 12 hours in Salt Lake City.
[00:22:42] Haley Freeman: What?
[00:22:43] Kelly Clark: By, yeah, by their suppliers. They thought I... This happened right after the spiritual experience with my dad, and it shook me to my... This, they voted, there were five of them, they voted whether or not to kill me afterwards, and- What? ...
[00:22:56] Haley Freeman: and
[00:22:57] Kelly Clark: it was three to two to let me live. Yeah.
[00:22:59] Haley Freeman: What?
[00:23:00] Kelly Clark: I know. Is
[00:23:01] Haley Freeman: this in your book I'm assuming?
[00:23:02] Kelly Clark: Yes, it's in my book.
[00:23:03] Haley Freeman: Oh my gosh. Okay. Um, and- Your book is next on my list to read.
[00:23:08] Kelly Clark: So, so I was so angry and shaken by what happened to me that I these are my dealers. I'm, like, selling my soul as a prostitute to earn this money to give to these people, and, like, after what they, what happened, I didn't even have anything to do with it.
Luckily, they came around and actually eventually believed me, but they had already done all this to me, so that's why the vote. You know, "Do we let her go, and, like, hope she doesn't..." You know. But out there- Wow ... this kind of stuff happens a lot, and people don't go to the police and stuff. And women get kidnapped a lot or used a lot for different things, and it's just part of the...
It's just- Wow ... a dog-eat-dog world. It's very brutal out there. But it was traumatizing. So I left the state. I went... One of my clients, I guess, uh, was heading out , to the Midwest, and I don't ever talk about exactly where because that's where this network of people are, and I got sucked into this network of people out there.
As I was trying to get off the heroin, I ended up still on methamphetamine, still drinking too much alcohol, and sucked into the wildest, weirdest group of people. I didn't even know it was possible. And it was, um, veil splitting in a different way. It, it, um, it was terrifying and awful and- Great terror is all I can say.
It was so scary. But what it did for me was, um, it's kinda like the veil's lifted and you, you see the darkness around you. You realize that the battle is real, right? The war in heaven is here. And-
[00:24:59] Haley Freeman: Yeah ...
[00:25:00] Kelly Clark: and the d- dark and light, it- it's your choice, Kelly. And it wasn't about the drugs at this point as much as it was, "Do you see, Kelly?"
I felt like God was saying, "You asked for the willingness to be willing. Now I'm giving you a chance to see." And I believe He protected me through this time. I believe that I wasn't killed, and I was protected by Him, um, in this, these experiences. And but it, it melted my heart in a way because I was like, "Well, if given the choice, and this is real, I already know I choose God.
I don't know how I know it, but I do, and I choose God, and I choose to believe in God, and I choose to believe in who I was taught that I am. And I'm an addict. I, I don't know how to fix that at this point." But all of a sudden, I felt very on fire that I chose Jesus Christ, that I'm a loved... I'm loved, and I'm not darkness, and I don't wanna be a part of it.
Of that darkness. Like, it, I felt like it was calling to me. It was trying to, like, absorb me into this awful group of people, and that's not who I wanted to be, and that's not who I was. And I, I started doing, like... The only thing I could do to, like, bring, hope and peace in those moments, um, was to, like, serve people in, like, ways that they don't care if I live or die.
But I could show kindness, right? I could... Even if, though it made me look weak, that was what I was gonna do. I was going to show kindness. I was gonna serve. I was going to whatever, even if it made me look weak, even if it made me a target, even if whatever. I d- I didn't care because it, it was, like, between me and God, and it started to bring the Spirit to me.
And, and I started to, um, recognize and realize that God was my only friend. It was like my reality's spiraling. I'm having the most terrifying 18 months of my life. There's not even words for it. I don't know how to describe it, other than it was otherworldly. And, but
[00:27:14] Haley Freeman: I- So was the veil kind of taken from your eyes to see things?
Like, what, what... Can you explain that a little bit more if you feel comfortable, or- So the
[00:27:20] Kelly Clark: way Satan works, and I, I am always careful to not describe it too much, 'cause I know that sometimes, um, there's a curiosity with some people. They kind of wanna... Satan uses, like... So where God uses light and truth and answers, right?
He uses clarity. Satan uses confusion and chaos and things. So, uh- Yeah ... so he'll have you jumping down 18,000 rabbit holes of trying to figure things out when there's never an answer. It's like you're chasing your own tail. But I can say that By the end of it, um, I, I believe that, um, the people were probably, um, organized in some sense, and also probably doing, um, occult type of behaviors.
And there was definitely... I was experiencing like a haunting. Like a haunting.
[00:28:26] Haley Freeman: Okay.
[00:28:26] Kelly Clark: I see. Things were happening that would make... It would make me sound like a crazy person if I were to, you know-
[00:28:33] Haley Freeman: I understand. Okay ...
[00:28:34] Kelly Clark: say, "That can't happen." That just, that... I was taught in my reality doesn't happen. But they, it makes sense through spiritual eyes that there are things that-
[00:28:44] Haley Freeman: Oh, yeah.
No, I get it. There's the dark armies and there's angels of armies, and they're both just fighting for y- and attacking- Yeah ... and fighting and... I get it. I have experienced it, so. Yeah.
[00:28:56] Kelly Clark: And it was- It's
[00:28:57] Haley Freeman: a real battle. Mm-hmm.
[00:28:58] Kelly Clark: It is a real battle, and it's here.
[00:29:00] Haley Freeman: Yep. And if...
[00:29:01] Kelly Clark: And when you are confronted with it on the level that some of us have had those experiences, it sounds like you're familiar too.
[00:29:09] Haley Freeman: Hmm. Yeah, I am. Yeah.
[00:29:09] Kelly Clark: It was terrifying. Yeah. It was like the world I knew, um, was so shattered, right? The safety of, of a world where you're kind of oblivious to... You know, you can go to lunch with your friends and talk about normal things and stuff, and all of a sudden I'm realizing like, this is not what I thought it was.
And so it was very traumatic. But, um, but it was exactly what I needed. God was giving me and delivering me the experience that I needed. He was like, "This is what you need." I was a stubborn enough addict that I needed the veil split, and I needed some demonic experiences for me to be shaken to my core.
Yeah. For this promise that my father gave me, for it to come true, I... He couldn't choose for me. You know, God can't choose for me. But he was, he was willing to deliver what I needed to help me be willing, and that was what I needed, was literally the craziest haunting experience that I, I never even knew was possible, so, um- Yeah,
[00:30:14] Haley Freeman: I understand
[00:30:16] Kelly Clark: There was a lot of miracles that happened, um, from that point on.
I, I got, um... at the end of that 18 months, I had this amazing prayer where I just surrendered. I was like, "If I die here, I die here, but I am unconditionally yours." And that was the day my sister called and was willing to do what she had to do to get me out of the situation. That was the day. She said, "I'm, I'm helping you.
I believe that something's happening, and I'm gonna help you get out of there." And she called me a cab, and we got me hidden at one part of town, and then she hid me in another state for, for five weeks.
[00:30:56] Haley Freeman: Wow.
[00:30:57] Kelly Clark: Um, eventually, um, I ended up, um... there's so much to the story, but I ended up staying in Denver with my niece for about 90 days, and I, I proved myself step by step, and the sister missionaries have a lot to do with that, story.
I wanna end the part about my dad. One of the things he said to me was, "You done good, kiddo. You done good." And I, I was always confused. Why are you... why would you tell me I've done good? Well, just four months ago, my sister said, "I have a bag of your stuff from, like, forever ago."
And when my dad was alive, he would travel a lot, and he would send us, um, letters and cards from wherever he went. And there's a bag of letters from my dad that he was sending to me-
[00:31:48] Haley Freeman: Oh ...
[00:31:48] Kelly Clark: when I was, like, 13, 14 years old. And at the bottom of one of these postcards. He did it twice in print. In bold print he said, "Do good, Kelly.
Do good." And so I thought it was really interesting that the thing he told me in the bathroom that day was, "You done good, kiddo." So anyway, knowing I would eventually read that, but, I can, um... If we have time, I'll kind of share the moment that God reached in and was like-
[00:32:17] Haley Freeman: Great ... "
[00:32:18] Kelly Clark: Kelly, you're a loved daughter of God."
This is how he did it. Right. Okay. I was, um, in Denver living with my niece. I was about five weeks sober. We decided at that point it was, like, safe enough to have me somewhere connected to family, but, like, you know, if, if people were looking for me they would've had a harder time in, to find me in Denver at this point.
My niece wasn't... Anyway, so we found it, we thought it would be safe enough. Um, my sweet niece let me, uh, move into her walk-in closet. She lived in a little studio, so my bedroom was her walk-in closet, and I had this little air mattress in there that never held air. So I slept on the ground really on the, um- Oh.
[00:33:01] Haley Freeman: Those are the worst.
[00:33:04] Kelly Clark: I know. And it was like, I got there on a Saturday, and I had taken a bus from the Midwest, and taken a bus. I ended up there and, um, I realized, like, she's in the center of downtown Denver. And I don't know if you know anything about downtown Denver, but tons of drugs. It's tons of homeless people.
Oh. Like, I'm... And we were being prayerful. I was trying this prayer thing, trying to like, "Okay, what's the next step?" And, and it was Denver, and I'm realizing, like, this is a very bad neighborhood. She lived in this cool brownstone apartment, but it was a really bad area. And- Yeah ... I'm a little freaked out 'cause I'm five weeks sober, which is the longest I'd been sober in years and years and years.
I'm still... I'm fresh off the streets, so I'm very rough around the edges. Um- I'm in a lot... I've had a lot of recent trauma. My mental health is really bad still, and paranoid and all that. Um, but anyway, I get into her little apartment, and she has, like, no TV. There's no music. My phone won't work in the building, and it's dirty, and it's...
There's bugs in the sink, and I'm like... I'm starting to panic a little bit. And she goes out with friends, and I'm like, I've no money, no car, you know, nothing. And I'm, like, sober, and I'm like, "What am I supposed to do?" And, um, I start to panic a little bit. And I'm starting to feel that old despair, and Satan is like, "You're not gonna be able to do this.
Like, look at where you are. You're not gonna make it. What are you doing here? How are you gonna live in this closet? You know, good luck, Kelly." And so I was... I go outside to have a cigarette. I still smoked at the time. I'm smoking in this back alley, and it's, like, cold, and it's getting dark, and it is like the classic alley from, like, the scary movies where, like, the dumpster- Mm
and there's cigarette butts, and there's drug paraphernalia, little orange caps. Oh. People shoot up back there. Oh. And I'm freaking out, and I'm smoking, and I'm crying, and I just start praying. And I said, "Heavenly Father, I'm doing this praying thing, and I'm here. But, like, why am I here of all places? How am I gonna stay sober here?"
And I said, "I need comfort. I need comfort so bad." And, um, so I put, I put out my cigarette. I go in through the back, and I walk into the apartment, and I close the door, and I'm taking off my, my jacket, and I'm sliding off my shoes. And before I can even sit down, there's a knock at the door, and I'm paranoid, like, to all get out, like, to open the door.
But I go, and I, like, creak the door open. And there are two sister missionaries- Mm-hmm ... from the Church of Jesus Christ standing at the door.
[00:35:54] Kelly Clark: And I am still, like... I still have tears in my eyes. I am still... I am in such shock that I'm seeing them. I'm literally like... - I look at them and I'm like, "I just prayed."
Like, "I just prayed." And they were so cute, you know, and so, like, "Oh, well," you know, they asked for my niece. "Is my niece here?" And she's less active, and she'd lived in that apartment for over a year. No one had ever come to visit her. But- Wow ... these sweet missionaries show up, and they come in. Poor girls had to, like, hear my scattered story, and-
I was still, like, a hot mess and all of that. But I told them, I said, "I was outside praying, like, a minute before," and they shared their story with me. In fact, I'm still in touch with, with two of them, you know- Aw ... a series of them, of course, while I- Right ... lived in that apartment. But, but, um, they, you know, prayed over the list of less actives and decided that was the house they needed to get to.
They walked through that terrible neighborhood as it was getting dark. There was no way into the building, so when I'm smoking out back, they're waiting to be let in. They waited for 10 minutes for someone to walk out so that they could come in. So I come in, and then they're there moments later, before I even have the time to fully sit down and stuff, so think of the timing of that.
[00:37:18] Haley Freeman: Wow.
[00:37:18] Kelly Clark: So here I am, I'm exercising- Hmm ... faith for the first time, and I'm going, "Okay, God, I'm putting it all on you. I am... I believe. Please send me comfort." And then boom, his sis- his missionaries are at the door moments later.
[00:37:31] Haley Freeman: Wow.
[00:37:31] Kelly Clark: And from that, like, it was like He was like, "Kelly, I love you. You deserve to be comforted.
You are my daughter." Like, "You can change, Kelly. The atonement is for you. Everything you learned as a child was true. I am here, I am real, and I am not mean and scary," you know? And- It all dawned on me at, like, once. It was that moment changed me forever, and I began reading the scripture, reading the Book of Mormon.
It anchored me. I chewed it up. I mean, I was... It was like truth jumping off the page at me. Mm. I just got it. I was reading it, and I'm like, "Oh," all the way, like Lehi's story and, and the vision, and Nephi's version of it, and how intense it was, and all the things, and Ether 12:27, y- that your weaknesses can become your strengths, and all of it, I got it, and I was like, "It is true."
And I, and I went from thinking, like, I am this nothing, terrible person who's wasted her life, who has abandoned her children for drugs. I abandoned them for drugs. How do you overcome... My worst, uh, most awful wound, right? The wound that is like, as a mother, it's like all the other things, yes, but, like, that one, that is the core of me.
And how do you overcome the shame? And I just started handing it all to him. I was like, "If you are really gonna take it, I am gonna give it to you." And it was- ... like handing it all over. Working through the steps, I, uh, we... My husband and I serve as missionaries in the addiction recovery program, and, um, I've been a 12-step person from the very beginning of my recovery.
I've been sober, um... I was in that apartment, uh, fall of, um, of 2016. I had a little relapse in Denver, a very quick little relapse that I got very honest about. Um, and so my sober date is 11/15 of '16, so it'll be 10 years this year.
[00:39:57] Haley Freeman: And- Wow.
[00:39:58] Kelly Clark: But-
[00:39:59] Haley Freeman: Congratulations. Thank
[00:40:01] Kelly Clark: you. Thank you. Amazing. And it, it was knowing and beginning to believe, radically believe, I had to radically believe.
And sometimes even still I have to tell that voice that tells me I'm not good enough or whatever, I've gotta tell it, "No, no, I'm a loved daughter of God. I'm a covenanted daughter of God. I have blessings I can count on. I have strength that comes from God. I don't have to have all the answers today, and I don't have to have all the strength, thank God," you know?
But That's who I am. I am not all those other things. Now, there may be things I have to work on, and I'm willing to see those today. I'm willing to see them, and I can look at parts of myself without being buried in shame. I'm allowed to just be a regular broken person today, you know? Mm-hmm. With things to work on, and it doesn't cripple me.
It doesn't take me down. And it's been a wild journey. I was able to put one day, another day, figure out how to become a real person again. Logistically, like I had to get a driver's license again. I didn't even have ID anymore. And it was like God just kept delivering, delivering another thing. He just would...
It would just, like the next thing I need would just float in. As long as I kept going to meetings, kept staying sober, kept going to church, all, serving people. And it was like my life got bigger and bigger and more colorful and, you know, not, I, not without problems. I mean, life has problems. Right.
But I'm able to deal
[00:41:40] Haley Freeman: with them. Step by step. Just one right choice after another.
[00:41:44] Kelly Clark: Yes, the next right thing. I had great sponsors and people who taught me, "Kelly, all you have to do is just the next right thing." And I'm like, "Oh, that-" Makes sense. And even 10 years later, I need meetings. I need, um, support. I need to serve.
I need to work the steps. I need to connect. Yeah. I need to repent daily. All-
[00:42:08] Haley Freeman: Yeah, me too.
[00:42:09] Kelly Clark: Yeah, we all do. We all-
[00:42:11] Haley Freeman: Everyone. Yes I
[00:42:12] Kelly Clark: know, it's so
[00:42:13] Haley Freeman: true.
[00:42:14] Kelly Clark: It's one of the- Yeah ... greatest blessings of being an addict in recovery is, like, I know that I am facing a Goliath, that all I have is a stone, and I need the power of God to bring it down.
[00:42:28] Haley Freeman: Mm-hmm.
[00:42:29] Kelly Clark: And it's a blessing because- It will kill me. It will kill me spiritually before it kills me physically. It will take me down. It's, and it's a huge monster, and I don't have the strength to overcome it on my own. I tried for years without God to fix it. Couldn't do it. Tried for years to fix myself, to make myself happy, a good mom, all the things.
Couldn't do it. I was a wreck. Every time I white-knuckled through it without God, I found that I f- I fell short. I was left to my own strength, and my own strength is n- not good enough . No. It's not good enough. But what a blessing to know today that I need God, and that He'll show up for me.
[00:43:09] Haley Freeman: Yeah. Every time.
[00:43:12] Kelly Clark: Every time. And He was excited. That's the other thing too. Satan will tell us that you know, God'll, sure God'll help you. Maybe He'll bail you out. Yeah, good luck with that. You know, He's mad at you. He won't even talk to you. I found God at the bottom of that pit I was in. I lit a match of faith.
That spark, and it was like Jesus Christ was sitting with me in the hole the whole time, and His face and His reaction to me was not one of like, "Geez, Kelly, it took you long enough." It was like, "Girl, wait till you see what I can, what I can do with your faith. Wait until you see the miracles. Wait until you see your new life.
Wait until you see how lovable you really are, how much you were worth."
[00:44:00] Haley Freeman: Yeah.
[00:44:01] Kelly Clark: Right?
[00:44:01] Haley Freeman: Absolutely.
[00:44:02] Kelly Clark: Absolutely. We're all worth it. Absolutely. Some of us have, have such a hard time overcoming the, the shame, but it is movable.
[00:44:12] Haley Freeman: Well, yeah, how did you overcome that? I think a lot of people have a hard time, um, moving forward because of the shame or to be able to forgive themselves or believing that they can be forgiven.
How, how did you get over that, and what advice do you have for someone struggling with that?
[00:44:27] Kelly Clark: Oh, gosh, yes. I, I do relate to the shame. It felt like mountains of shame, right? Especially around my children or the prostitution and the years of just awful decisions and just always being the one in crisis, and I was the toxic friend.
I mean, all the shame. All the- The, the way I overcame it is true faith. I chose to believe- I chose to believe that if I handed it to Him, He would quite literally change my reality. Do you know what I mean? Like, "Okay, Kelly, now if you hand me your sins, right, you hand me this pain and this shame and this life, I'm gonna give you something that you...
It is so good, right? The gift from me is so good that you're gonna be able to now look at what you've overcome, and you're gonna look at it with interest, and you're gonna look at it with gratitude in me, but it's not gonna be painful to look at anymore." You're gonna be able to share it with freedom, right?
And sometimes it takes some time to work through it, but with repentance, he frees us from the shame. And where that comes from is truly believing it. Radical belief It sounds crazy that someone with a history like mine could freely talk to people about it, but I am a new person.
I have the light in my eyes. I am freed from the shame. I am. And building back relationships with His help today and overcoming is a new world. He created a new reality where he even changes the vision, right? The vision of how I see the future and h- and how I even look at the past. He'll change it.
[00:46:24] Haley Freeman: I love that.
I love that. And there was something in... I think you said it in the church video that the church made, um, how you said, "I know I hurt people And I couldn't fix them, but I knew the Savior could."
[00:46:36] Kelly Clark: Exactly.
[00:46:37] Haley Freeman: So you just knew, you just had to have faith that the atonement could also heal them.
[00:46:42] Kelly Clark: That's right.
[00:46:42] Haley Freeman: And that's so true.
[00:46:43] Kelly Clark: And some- Yeah ... some of the hurts I've given to my children- these are long journeys of forgiveness. This isn't, this isn't fixed in a couple of months, right? This isn't... These are things we are still, 10 years later, working on. But, but lots of growth, lots of moving in the right direction, and, and lots and lots of joy along the way.
So much joy in my life.
[00:47:10] Haley Freeman: And I'm, I know they're so thankful that they have you back in their life, and that you took those steps, and that something didn't happen to you, and that you worked hard- ... to make those steps to be back in their lives. That's probably more important to them than anything, so.
[00:47:26] Kelly Clark: Yes, I'm glad. It could have ended very differently, and so grateful for the help, you know, for- Yeah. For sure ... for this miraculous God who is unbelievably loyal Father in Heaven and Son that will help us get through everything and anything, give us a new life.
[00:47:45] Haley Freeman: It reminds me of, um... I just heard this this week, um, in a podcast.
It was in The Inklings. I don't know if you've heard of Inklings Podcast. I have.
[00:47:53] Kelly Clark: Yes.
[00:47:54] Haley Freeman: But anyway, they were talking about, 'cause you said how He gives you a new perspective like, new... Everything's just new, new. And they were talking about, um, the scripture of how you have to become a new creature in Christ. And then they were talking about how The interpretation of new creature in the Hebrew, Hebrew translation, it is more accurate that it's a new creation in Christ.
[00:48:18] Kelly Clark: Oh, I love that.
[00:48:20] Haley Freeman: I know. I love that. I love that too. Yes. So that's actually a more accurate, um, translation, is that we need to become a new creation- Yes ... in Christ. Yes. And we can. Like and you're proof of that. You're hope for everyone, no matter where you've been or what you've done, you can become that new creation in Christ.
[00:48:39] Kelly Clark: Right. Yes. In the Lord. Yes. And, and you can believe it, you know? You can even believe- Mm-hmm ... you're a new creation. I would have never imagined it was possible. And I'm s- I want anyone who's listening who's, who's got someone who's struggling or who may be struggling themselves, I want them to know that, this addiction and the mental health struggles, um, everyone, you know, has their own Goliath, but, um, and this one was mine.
But it was also this horrible thing, right? This thing that was so hard for my family for years and so hard for my children and for me, and it was kind of like a scary mess for so long, but it was truly my vehicle to Christ.
[00:49:27] Haley Freeman: Yeah ...
[00:49:28] Kelly Clark: it was. So I want anyone who's out there who may be in the middle of their journey, right?
In the middle of, of their... with their loved one struggling, It's the mess sometimes. It's the hard. It's, it's the hell, the liberty jail, the Gethsemane. Yeah. It is sometimes that is the journey to exactly where we need to go as l- you know, as long as we're turning to Him, as long as we're reaching and striving.
But really truly, I mean, people say, "Would you ever take it back?" And I go, "I don't know how I could ever go back and choose something different-" Right ... because this was what led me to Him. This is how I know Him
[00:50:14] Haley Freeman: Right. Absolutely ...
[00:50:14] Kelly Clark: I know Him because of this. He saved me. Now I know. Now I know. Yeah.
[00:50:21] Haley Freeman: Absolutely. That's beautiful. Yep. Well, it's been a pleasure to have you on, and- Thank you ... I feel like that can be your final thought, really. It does. I usually ask people, what's your one last final message for anybody, but- That's
[00:50:35] Kelly Clark: about
[00:50:35] Haley Freeman: it. That's it. Your hard, messy journey is what might lead you to Him and lead you to your purpose, and your greater self,
[00:50:43] Kelly Clark: very true. Thank you. Thanks for having me.
[00:50:46] Haley Freeman: Yeah, it's been a pleasure, and such great insight. Thank you.
Thank you for joining us on Latter-day Miracles. If you have a miracle story that you feel inspired to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us on our website at latterdaymiracles.net or message us on social media. Until next time, keep your heart open to the miraculous, and may you feel the presence of angels in your everyday life
